I just want you to know who I am
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
my small world, far away from your perfect one
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Friday, August 10, 2007
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Sunday, August 05, 2007
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Friday, January 19, 2007
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Thursday, January 18, 2007
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Saturday, January 13, 2007
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Friday, November 17, 2006
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Thursday, November 16, 2006
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Thursday, October 05, 2006
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Friday, September 29, 2006
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Thursday, September 28, 2006
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Evelyn
ACS(I)
Loves Jesus
Hates Sin
Loves Her Buddies
Loves Singing for the Lord
Is Very Pseudo-Bimbo (just because she loves pink)
Usually gets depressed when all alone
When you have more ice-cream than you can finish
email her at evelynthangaraj@hotmail.com
Member of Chocoholics Anonymous
Loves French, c'est tres amusant!
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
hmmm i see that yep, this blog seems as dead as i am i guess
i dunno suddenly it struck me that i need to question myself
why am i alive?
why do i deserve to live?
why can't i seem to get there, where i want to, no matter how hard i try?
why do i have to die trying every single time?
why does life have so much bitterness to offer me?
why do i keep running away?
why do i bother with this anyway?
why do i always disappoint myself and others?
why do the others count more than myself?
why can't i, for once in my life, let go?
I know why
i'm scared. of who i am. and what i'm becoming.
its a scary feeling, trying to figure out how to cry on a blog.
then you realise, the lives here are as cold as the supposedly caring shoulders to cry on who're supposed to be there for you.
its a wonder how humans can watch a fragile heart break, regard it with fear, fascination and scorn, eat their heart out and give a gloating apologetic smile. makes us sound worse than carnivores, but it happens all the time.
what do we do?
we just shrug. look at the poor, tired and broken soul, something that's died triying and has even tried dying to bolster the diappointments of the world. we shrug again. get up and move on, dear.
that's life. live with it. or get out.
then you realise why you can't cry on a blog.
the tears don't come.
i dunno suddenly it struck me that i need to question myself
why am i alive?
why do i deserve to live?
why can't i seem to get there, where i want to, no matter how hard i try?
why do i have to die trying every single time?
why does life have so much bitterness to offer me?
why do i keep running away?
why do i bother with this anyway?
why do i always disappoint myself and others?
why do the others count more than myself?
why can't i, for once in my life, let go?
I know why
i'm scared. of who i am. and what i'm becoming.
its a scary feeling, trying to figure out how to cry on a blog.
then you realise, the lives here are as cold as the supposedly caring shoulders to cry on who're supposed to be there for you.
its a wonder how humans can watch a fragile heart break, regard it with fear, fascination and scorn, eat their heart out and give a gloating apologetic smile. makes us sound worse than carnivores, but it happens all the time.
what do we do?
we just shrug. look at the poor, tired and broken soul, something that's died triying and has even tried dying to bolster the diappointments of the world. we shrug again. get up and move on, dear.
that's life. live with it. or get out.
then you realise why you can't cry on a blog.
the tears don't come.
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I wrote a song, I wish i could put a tune to it. I wish i could play the guitar and softly strum (not tuneless crashing and banging) these tears away. But I can't. And my heart'll be empty.
I really do wish I could put a tune to it, and I will, someday, when my heartsong returns. My heartsong will come, and what's better, he'll know to sing it, I know he will.
I've lost enough.
I can't lose anymore
Please Lord, no more
PS: i will not be killing myself anytime soon though =)
...its sad though...
some people kill themselves cos they find no reason to live;
others find a reason to live nanoseconds before they die.
why?
Maybe - Lyrics by Evelyn
Its time to move on,
There's an open door
You've been so broken,
You just can't endure,
And then the life in your eyes,
Slipped away,
Maybe.
He won't come back -
Never needed you.
You're an empty hole,
And you've been run through,
When the dagger of his eyes,
Pierced you,
Maybe.
Maybe
Someday you'll find
A reason
to let go of...
Everything you though he'd be
All the smiles and the mysteries
Every little word he spoke
All lies, made of empty smoke
He laughed,
You cried,
You drowned,
You died.
And now the smoke,
Its killing you,
Its filling you,
And choking you.
Your heart is empty,
And your soul seems dead.
And you cried and prayed,
Till your heart bled,
And the song in your heart,
Died away,
Maybe.
Maybe
Someday you'll find
A reason
to let go of...
Everything you though he'd be
All the smiles and the mysteries
Every little word he spoke
All lies, made of empty smoke
He laughed,
You cried,
You drowned,
You died.
And now the smoke,
Its killing you,
Its filling you,
And choking you.
Everything you'd ever dreamed about
Ended in this sand of drought
All the love, all the nameless joy
All fake, 'cos you're just a toy
He laughed,
You cried,
You drowned,
You died.
And now this life,
Its killing you,
Its filling you,
And choking you.
And Maybe
Someday you'll find
A reason to forgive,
To move one, to let it go
A reason to live,
And that someday will come,
When you will meet the one,
And you you'll be so glad
Because you lived.
I really do wish I could put a tune to it, and I will, someday, when my heartsong returns. My heartsong will come, and what's better, he'll know to sing it, I know he will.
I've lost enough.
I can't lose anymore
Please Lord, no more
PS: i will not be killing myself anytime soon though =)
...its sad though...
some people kill themselves cos they find no reason to live;
others find a reason to live nanoseconds before they die.
why?
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
the scars never seem to heal
hmmm... sometimes i really do wonder who reads this wreck of a blog, which i abandon at random times, randomly. like the last time i abandoned it was like a day after by birthday, cos i felt sad after it, my birthday was that sad... ahh well lets just skip the details, too gruelsome...
hmmm
ah well skimming over the sadder things in life, i seem to like dwelling on the happier moments, even when i'm depressed, quite a queer thing actually, but i like that way...keeps things in perspective i guess.
so today was the potluck, i will say i haven't had so much fun in ages, was really great, especially captain's bll in ultimate frizbee style, really great! *high fives theo the star catcher* great job all of you! that was one perfect afternoon =)
and still i'm here mulling over those scars, the scars,... will i ever move on if it goes on like this? i've done my best, i'm trusting God to do the rest... but i'm really scared where that might take me and i don't think i'm strong enough to take anymore of this...
i don't think i can do any of this on my own, IB and everthing associated with it...
i know i need God to show me the way and lead me on...
i know i want to let Him take over completely, to end the pain of disobedience and straying away from the path He'd chosen for me...
but why, why am i so scared of... letting go?
Jeanny made me listen to this song. I got a bit freaked out cos it exactly whats happening (more or less i guess)
The All-American Rejects - Straitjacket Feeling
Back me down from backing up
Hold your breath now it's stacking up
Etched with marks, but I can deal
And you're the problem and you can't feel
Try this on, straightjacket feeling
so maybe I won't be alone
Take back now, my life you're stealing
Yesterday was hell,
But Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you would be,
That face is tearing holes in me again
Trust you is just one defense
off a list of others, you don't make sense
Beg me time and time again
to take you back now, but you can't win
Take back now, my life you're stealing
Yesterday was hell
But Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you would be
That face is tearing holes in me again,
but today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you
And when that memory slips away
There will be a better view from here
And only lonesome you remains
and just the thought of you I fear
it falls away
Yesterday was hell
But Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you would be
That face is tearing holes in me again,
but today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you
scary when you realise people have been through what you have and they're still surviving...
hmmm... sometimes i really do wonder who reads this wreck of a blog, which i abandon at random times, randomly. like the last time i abandoned it was like a day after by birthday, cos i felt sad after it, my birthday was that sad... ahh well lets just skip the details, too gruelsome...
hmmm
ah well skimming over the sadder things in life, i seem to like dwelling on the happier moments, even when i'm depressed, quite a queer thing actually, but i like that way...keeps things in perspective i guess.
so today was the potluck, i will say i haven't had so much fun in ages, was really great, especially captain's bll in ultimate frizbee style, really great! *high fives theo the star catcher* great job all of you! that was one perfect afternoon =)
and still i'm here mulling over those scars, the scars,... will i ever move on if it goes on like this? i've done my best, i'm trusting God to do the rest... but i'm really scared where that might take me and i don't think i'm strong enough to take anymore of this...
i don't think i can do any of this on my own, IB and everthing associated with it...
i know i need God to show me the way and lead me on...
i know i want to let Him take over completely, to end the pain of disobedience and straying away from the path He'd chosen for me...
but why, why am i so scared of... letting go?
Jeanny made me listen to this song. I got a bit freaked out cos it exactly whats happening (more or less i guess)
The All-American Rejects - Straitjacket Feeling
Back me down from backing up
Hold your breath now it's stacking up
Etched with marks, but I can deal
And you're the problem and you can't feel
Try this on, straightjacket feeling
so maybe I won't be alone
Take back now, my life you're stealing
Yesterday was hell,
But Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you would be,
That face is tearing holes in me again
Trust you is just one defense
off a list of others, you don't make sense
Beg me time and time again
to take you back now, but you can't win
Take back now, my life you're stealing
Yesterday was hell
But Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you would be
That face is tearing holes in me again,
but today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you
And when that memory slips away
There will be a better view from here
And only lonesome you remains
and just the thought of you I fear
it falls away
Yesterday was hell
But Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you would be
That face is tearing holes in me again,
but today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you
scary when you realise people have been through what you have and they're still surviving...
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Friday, August 10, 2007
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
combined post for Cross Country and Hostel Party and One ACS
ahh the past week has been WHOA! WHAT THE HELL...? WHY THE PONG DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS?!?!? ONE THING AFTER AN ANOTHER? I SERIOUSLY CANNOT MAKE IT!!! DOH MY GOODNESS!!! WHAT? SOMETHING ELSE?
so you get the general idea...
sigh, nice to have a quiet weekend to myself
not that i dont miss FOA, i really do and there's an inexplicable feeling in me - i'm sad that its over, the cameraderie was nothing short of amazing, even in our extreme sugar low times, and it was entirely God's grace, as my wonderful alto 2 buddy judith would put it (on a side note here's a pic of us together:
and then there's the joy, at having finished it and knowng that it was a job well done - wait, no, not a job, a journey we'd gone through and known that we'd put our best into, to see that tree bearing the fruit of our labour blossoming. we're not even close to being the best choir but we're certainly a VERY bonded choir (something that was extremely apparent on Cross country day when we ran as a contingent - kudos to levin and jonsee who decided to cut back UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE WHO WE THO HAD MORAL INTEGRITY!!! haha just kidding =)) it is interesting to note that we were the only CCA that did that.
i realised that heck, we're more than a mere CCA, we're a group of people, musical or not, who love singing enough to stand each others' quirkiness and let it affect us in more ways than one. here i'm referring to the art of lame-joke-telling and the glorious scraps of paper that read "WE ARE MEN" - both of which originated from the basses, a section that apparently need to find means to convince themself of their masculinity, good job guys, keep trying, i might recomend a book called "MAXIMIZING YOUR MANHOOD" owned by a classmate of mine. on a side note, i managed to acquire one such scrap of paper having proved conclusively (and with no trace of doubt) that my voice is lower than gabriel's yay! i effectiely PWNED him =)the pwning streak was however ended by the concussion i received from james tan (whom i will get even with someday - you watch out i'm coming for you!!)
Back to what i was ACTUALLY intending to blog about, this being our hostel party, after cross country, where i ate like a starving pig (hagendazicecream.benandjerrysicecream.lotsoffruits.pizza.cereal.chips.
seaweed.prunes.chocolate)You name it, i ate it...
I also drank a NON-ALCOHOLIC COCKTAIL =)
it didn't taste that great thoughh...
so i thot, if non-alcoholic cocktails are this bad, i wonder how disgusting the alcoholic ones are...
i will never drink for life, a vow i made ages ago, and i know that most of my closest friends know how much i despise alcohol, enough to walk out of a party/gathering/thingamajig that had it, its just one of my things, can't help it...
ahh well moving on... taday was ONE ACS, not that great except for the TONS OF BENLEE'S SPECIAL ULTRA-SUPER-UBER-LAME-JOKES i got to hear, mannn i was literally limping after that (gotcha!!! hahahaha)
watched A WALK TO REMEMBER and HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL
they affected me more than i thought they would, for reasons that i shall not disclose... it kinda freaked me out, especially the second movie
oh well...
ahhh...
hope things turn out right though.
i trust God
He's never failed
but i know i've been disappointed more than once
i dunno what's gonna happen tomorrow or in the days to come
but i know that He knows
and i guess thats all that matters dunnit?
PS: God Bless You for your Prelims ACJC seniors! you rock! keep going don't give up you can do it =)
haha i am so looking forward to the choir picnic in the botanic gardens on friday... who want kokcrunch and milk so i can bring? lalalala... i'm on a SUPER-CONCENTRATED-MILO-DINOSAUR-FUELLED-HIGH again!
ahh the past week has been WHOA! WHAT THE HELL...? WHY THE PONG DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS?!?!? ONE THING AFTER AN ANOTHER? I SERIOUSLY CANNOT MAKE IT!!! DOH MY GOODNESS!!! WHAT? SOMETHING ELSE?
so you get the general idea...
sigh, nice to have a quiet weekend to myself
not that i dont miss FOA, i really do and there's an inexplicable feeling in me - i'm sad that its over, the cameraderie was nothing short of amazing, even in our extreme sugar low times, and it was entirely God's grace, as my wonderful alto 2 buddy judith would put it (on a side note here's a pic of us together:
and then there's the joy, at having finished it and knowng that it was a job well done - wait, no, not a job, a journey we'd gone through and known that we'd put our best into, to see that tree bearing the fruit of our labour blossoming. we're not even close to being the best choir but we're certainly a VERY bonded choir (something that was extremely apparent on Cross country day when we ran as a contingent - kudos to levin and jonsee who decided to cut back UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE WHO WE THO HAD MORAL INTEGRITY!!! haha just kidding =)) it is interesting to note that we were the only CCA that did that.
i realised that heck, we're more than a mere CCA, we're a group of people, musical or not, who love singing enough to stand each others' quirkiness and let it affect us in more ways than one. here i'm referring to the art of lame-joke-telling and the glorious scraps of paper that read "WE ARE MEN" - both of which originated from the basses, a section that apparently need to find means to convince themself of their masculinity, good job guys, keep trying, i might recomend a book called "MAXIMIZING YOUR MANHOOD" owned by a classmate of mine. on a side note, i managed to acquire one such scrap of paper having proved conclusively (and with no trace of doubt) that my voice is lower than gabriel's yay! i effectiely PWNED him =)the pwning streak was however ended by the concussion i received from james tan (whom i will get even with someday - you watch out i'm coming for you!!)
Back to what i was ACTUALLY intending to blog about, this being our hostel party, after cross country, where i ate like a starving pig (hagendazicecream.benandjerrysicecream.lotsoffruits.pizza.cereal.chips.
seaweed.prunes.chocolate)You name it, i ate it...
I also drank a NON-ALCOHOLIC COCKTAIL =)
it didn't taste that great thoughh...
so i thot, if non-alcoholic cocktails are this bad, i wonder how disgusting the alcoholic ones are...
i will never drink for life, a vow i made ages ago, and i know that most of my closest friends know how much i despise alcohol, enough to walk out of a party/gathering/thingamajig that had it, its just one of my things, can't help it...
ahh well moving on... taday was ONE ACS, not that great except for the TONS OF BENLEE'S SPECIAL ULTRA-SUPER-UBER-LAME-JOKES i got to hear, mannn i was literally limping after that (gotcha!!! hahahaha)
watched A WALK TO REMEMBER and HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL
they affected me more than i thought they would, for reasons that i shall not disclose... it kinda freaked me out, especially the second movie
oh well...
ahhh...
hope things turn out right though.
i trust God
He's never failed
but i know i've been disappointed more than once
i dunno what's gonna happen tomorrow or in the days to come
but i know that He knows
and i guess thats all that matters dunnit?
PS: God Bless You for your Prelims ACJC seniors! you rock! keep going don't give up you can do it =)
haha i am so looking forward to the choir picnic in the botanic gardens on friday... who want kokcrunch and milk so i can bring? lalalala... i'm on a SUPER-CONCENTRATED-MILO-DINOSAUR-FUELLED-HIGH again!
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Sunday, August 05, 2007
FOA is oficially over
NO
NO
NO
this can't seriously be happening
after all those gruelling practices and late nights...
i confess... i've never enjoyed myself more
I can't express the emptiness i'm feeling
i've resorted to pour it out on my blogger account that i haven't touched for ages
why?
cos my parents aren't around
my parents wouldn't understand what it means to love the CCA that makes you miss deadlines, gets you sick (the horrible horrible flu), pushes you to the limit, may have caused your 39 points insted of the 42 they think you deserved (and you secretly wanted all along) but throughout the journey gave you friends who'll never leave you, friends you'll care for forever, friends with little acts of kindness.
i'll miss the seniors [xuan.ethel.theo.sze.deb.angie.fran.cheryl.chris.coll.clem.kenneth.soonks.joseph]
lol cheryl and her pink lotus dragofruit gang! Xuan Honeystars, me kokocrunch, sze fruit loops, judith frosties and TELTEL THE CEREAL KILLER!! *screams*
who could forget the mighty soloist clem and his rat pack [song.stew.soonks.james]
thanks for the love the music and the memories that will never fade, never tarnish, for as long as the music lives, they will, VIVA LA MUSICA!
i will never forget the 3rd of August (it was my first concert)
i never knew post concert feels this sucky
i miss everything (even the 5th logistic run of lukluk lol!)
whoever watched us, thanks so much for coming
even if it didnt mean anything to anybody, i meant a great deal to me
i'll leave one picture here
it means a lot to me
the cameraderie
the friendship
the girlstuff
the crazy stuff we did
the mad high crazy moments
the rest will be in my flickr
NO
NO
NO
this can't seriously be happening
after all those gruelling practices and late nights...
i confess... i've never enjoyed myself more
I can't express the emptiness i'm feeling
i've resorted to pour it out on my blogger account that i haven't touched for ages
why?
cos my parents aren't around
my parents wouldn't understand what it means to love the CCA that makes you miss deadlines, gets you sick (the horrible horrible flu), pushes you to the limit, may have caused your 39 points insted of the 42 they think you deserved (and you secretly wanted all along) but throughout the journey gave you friends who'll never leave you, friends you'll care for forever, friends with little acts of kindness.
i'll miss the seniors [xuan.ethel.theo.sze.deb.angie.fran.cheryl.chris.coll.clem.kenneth.soonks.joseph]
lol cheryl and her pink lotus dragofruit gang! Xuan Honeystars, me kokocrunch, sze fruit loops, judith frosties and TELTEL THE CEREAL KILLER!! *screams*
who could forget the mighty soloist clem and his rat pack [song.stew.soonks.james]
thanks for the love the music and the memories that will never fade, never tarnish, for as long as the music lives, they will, VIVA LA MUSICA!
i will never forget the 3rd of August (it was my first concert)
i never knew post concert feels this sucky
i miss everything (even the 5th logistic run of lukluk lol!)
whoever watched us, thanks so much for coming
even if it didnt mean anything to anybody, i meant a great deal to me
i'll leave one picture here
it means a lot to me
the cameraderie
the friendship
the girlstuff
the crazy stuff we did
the mad high crazy moments
the rest will be in my flickr
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
I HAD FUN ONCE...
Remembering all the fun times i had...
looking through stars, seeing the beauty and magic in life
with two people who made a heck lot of difference in my life
Chocolates and Girls, friends forever, through the test of IB and a school with a population which consists of only 6% girls
The wondeful people we meet never leave us, they leave some part of themselves within us, now to become a part of us.
Remembering all the fun times i had...
looking through stars, seeing the beauty and magic in life
with two people who made a heck lot of difference in my life
Chocolates and Girls, friends forever, through the test of IB and a school with a population which consists of only 6% girls
The wondeful people we meet never leave us, they leave some part of themselves within us, now to become a part of us.
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
INTERNATIONAL WOMENS' DAY
This picture to commemorate INTERNATIONAL WOMENS' DAY tomorrow!!!
I realised that SOME guys in our schol are very supposrtive of violence against women.
Which is really sad, cos without us, they would still be in a guys school.
Don't we light up their life, add a little colour and laughter to it, or is whatever the kind-hearted girl does meaningless to the guy who's fixated with this hot and pretty (and bitchy) girl who probably doen't give a damn about him and is enjoying the power of toying with his life.
Sometimes, love isn't perfect. heck, love is never perfect, and in its human imperfection is its beauty. if i loved someone and he loved me back just the same, the tenderness in a relationship isn't seen as much as when the girl, plain and sane yet infinitely kind-hearted and loving, cares so much that her heart breaks, for a guy who just doesn't see the angel within her, a guy who's fixated with the earthly, the corrupted and corruptible.
I know that if i do love someone, it'll never be reciprocated. love, it turns out, is seldom blind. it apparently gazes appreciatively at shapely legs, longs for a slim tall pretty hourglass figure and wouldn't mind a bit of naivety. no matter how much i look past in a guy, certain things abt me will never be looked past, some major things that don't change my being and spirit, but matter to certain facist people around me. love means treating someone as an equal. the greatest human love is about becoming one, with no "i" nor "you", being one entity, becoming one in spirit and soul. how can you become one with a person who refuses to see you as an equal, worthy of his love and so much more, precious enough to be clung on to forever.
i live alone, i don't have the luxury of being precious to any one. i feel lost, worthless and most of all, unloved. no matter what, evelyn will feel that way until God opens the eyes of THAT SOMEONE SPECIAL and change my life completely. i'm waiting, i've been waiting for 17 years for that magical moment of recognition, of reconciliation, of a swirling mist of happiness to get lost in forever, where sadness cannot find you, where the bruises are healed by love and love sweeps you off your feet and takes you off to a distant land where neither pain or sorrow can touch you.
i'm an idealist, i know.
and i also know that my life is far from ideal...
and that sometimes love , however perfect, however true, however sincere, patient and caring, cannot trancend over even mere rules and oaths...
but i'll leave, not with the bitterness of an unloved heart, but with the mercy, perfect love and acceptance of these lines:
And now i've found,
the greatest love of all is mine
when You laid down Your life
the greatest sacrifice...
This picture to commemorate INTERNATIONAL WOMENS' DAY tomorrow!!!
I realised that SOME guys in our schol are very supposrtive of violence against women.
Which is really sad, cos without us, they would still be in a guys school.
Don't we light up their life, add a little colour and laughter to it, or is whatever the kind-hearted girl does meaningless to the guy who's fixated with this hot and pretty (and bitchy) girl who probably doen't give a damn about him and is enjoying the power of toying with his life.
Sometimes, love isn't perfect. heck, love is never perfect, and in its human imperfection is its beauty. if i loved someone and he loved me back just the same, the tenderness in a relationship isn't seen as much as when the girl, plain and sane yet infinitely kind-hearted and loving, cares so much that her heart breaks, for a guy who just doesn't see the angel within her, a guy who's fixated with the earthly, the corrupted and corruptible.
I know that if i do love someone, it'll never be reciprocated. love, it turns out, is seldom blind. it apparently gazes appreciatively at shapely legs, longs for a slim tall pretty hourglass figure and wouldn't mind a bit of naivety. no matter how much i look past in a guy, certain things abt me will never be looked past, some major things that don't change my being and spirit, but matter to certain facist people around me. love means treating someone as an equal. the greatest human love is about becoming one, with no "i" nor "you", being one entity, becoming one in spirit and soul. how can you become one with a person who refuses to see you as an equal, worthy of his love and so much more, precious enough to be clung on to forever.
i live alone, i don't have the luxury of being precious to any one. i feel lost, worthless and most of all, unloved. no matter what, evelyn will feel that way until God opens the eyes of THAT SOMEONE SPECIAL and change my life completely. i'm waiting, i've been waiting for 17 years for that magical moment of recognition, of reconciliation, of a swirling mist of happiness to get lost in forever, where sadness cannot find you, where the bruises are healed by love and love sweeps you off your feet and takes you off to a distant land where neither pain or sorrow can touch you.
i'm an idealist, i know.
and i also know that my life is far from ideal...
and that sometimes love , however perfect, however true, however sincere, patient and caring, cannot trancend over even mere rules and oaths...
but i'll leave, not with the bitterness of an unloved heart, but with the mercy, perfect love and acceptance of these lines:
And now i've found,
the greatest love of all is mine
when You laid down Your life
the greatest sacrifice...
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
STUDENT COUNCIL INTERVIEW!!!
haha at least we got throught it all, praise the Lord!
here's a BEFORE photo, before we got interogated (Kenneth actually looks a bit demented muhuahahaha!)
And an AFTER picture, cooling down after the crossfire (uhh actually its just me and kenneth, the others hadn't gone in as of then!)
They said i'm mousy, meek and quiet - the dicipline councilor type.
Is that true?
Or am i just a big joke?
Or am i just a bunch of cells that no one takes seriously?
Why, not good enough for you?
Why, not tall, fair and pretty enough to be somebody someone cares about?
Why, not girl enough to be a girl who loves and is loved?
Why?
At this point of time, a typical Acsian comment would be "wah, so emo, chill dude!"
Really, life kinda loses its meaning when you go through this trash everyday and try to seive out diamonds only to find your hands stained with charcoal and face coated with dust...
haha at least we got throught it all, praise the Lord!
here's a BEFORE photo, before we got interogated (Kenneth actually looks a bit demented muhuahahaha!)
And an AFTER picture, cooling down after the crossfire (uhh actually its just me and kenneth, the others hadn't gone in as of then!)
They said i'm mousy, meek and quiet - the dicipline councilor type.
Is that true?
Or am i just a big joke?
Or am i just a bunch of cells that no one takes seriously?
Why, not good enough for you?
Why, not tall, fair and pretty enough to be somebody someone cares about?
Why, not girl enough to be a girl who loves and is loved?
Why?
At this point of time, a typical Acsian comment would be "wah, so emo, chill dude!"
Really, life kinda loses its meaning when you go through this trash everyday and try to seive out diamonds only to find your hands stained with charcoal and face coated with dust...
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
What's the Big, Fat, Hairy deal?
Yeah, the Big, Fat, Hairy deal is that we FINALLY had an economics lesson today and we have an absolutely, freakaliciously amazing strand 2 teacher for English!!!!!!!
Anyway I'll be completely random and post a picture of me being absolutely and outrageously bimbo =)
Anyway some backround on this photo.
The cute headband with lovely pink ears is actually piglet's ears, which belongs to one of my closest friends who is holding them up in the picture! The t-shirt i'm wearing is my class tee. Don't believe it? Wait 'till you actually see it. Its baby pink with a white band running across it diagonally like a sash, bearing the words "Miss Psychedelic". I assure you, it is the epitome of bimbo, but i also assure you that i did NOT design it. Yet i will not hesitate to say that i adore the shirt, not just because or its unique design, but because of the inumerable memories attached to it. My first day in SCGS, my wonderful friends and my indescribably amazing teachers. Those are the kinds of things you can't let go, no matter how hard you try no matter how much time passes. These meories remain, untarnished in the mind, fresh as daisies in the dew of dawn, untouhed and untrodden by the ravaging stampede of time, bringing with them the solace only love and companionship can, wrenching tears from your eyes just by flitting in for a fleeting moment, arousing a tornado of emotion and nostalgia.
Writing this was very difficult for me, but i feel so much better now that i've finally discovered my true feelings and found a closure with secondary school and moving on with IB life. Its difficult ti be someone different, to be yourself, amidst the rush of humanity that surrounds you, but i know i'll make it because God'll help me through the difficult times and share the happy times with me.
With God on my side, who can be against me eh?
Moving on...Tomorrow is my OG's outing. FINALLY. I thought we were dead or something. And vegetating isn't any better either.
YAY! WE'RE FINALLY GOING OUT AS AN OG!!! I'M SO SUPER EXCITED!!!!
Darn, another sugar high.
Yeah, the Big, Fat, Hairy deal is that we FINALLY had an economics lesson today and we have an absolutely, freakaliciously amazing strand 2 teacher for English!!!!!!!
Anyway I'll be completely random and post a picture of me being absolutely and outrageously bimbo =)
Anyway some backround on this photo.
The cute headband with lovely pink ears is actually piglet's ears, which belongs to one of my closest friends who is holding them up in the picture! The t-shirt i'm wearing is my class tee. Don't believe it? Wait 'till you actually see it. Its baby pink with a white band running across it diagonally like a sash, bearing the words "Miss Psychedelic". I assure you, it is the epitome of bimbo, but i also assure you that i did NOT design it. Yet i will not hesitate to say that i adore the shirt, not just because or its unique design, but because of the inumerable memories attached to it. My first day in SCGS, my wonderful friends and my indescribably amazing teachers. Those are the kinds of things you can't let go, no matter how hard you try no matter how much time passes. These meories remain, untarnished in the mind, fresh as daisies in the dew of dawn, untouhed and untrodden by the ravaging stampede of time, bringing with them the solace only love and companionship can, wrenching tears from your eyes just by flitting in for a fleeting moment, arousing a tornado of emotion and nostalgia.
Writing this was very difficult for me, but i feel so much better now that i've finally discovered my true feelings and found a closure with secondary school and moving on with IB life. Its difficult ti be someone different, to be yourself, amidst the rush of humanity that surrounds you, but i know i'll make it because God'll help me through the difficult times and share the happy times with me.
With God on my side, who can be against me eh?
Moving on...Tomorrow is my OG's outing. FINALLY. I thought we were dead or something. And vegetating isn't any better either.
YAY! WE'RE FINALLY GOING OUT AS AN OG!!! I'M SO SUPER EXCITED!!!!
Darn, another sugar high.
Labels: Big, Fat, Hairy, Sugar high
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Friday, January 19, 2007
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Congealing
I'm congealing from within.
I feel sick to the core.
I'm drifting away from my Lord.
I try and try and try.
I don't see an end to it.
I try so hard.
I need Him so much, yet i can't find time for Him.
Either sleep steals in and robs me of any chance of doing my quiet time with my Savior, or my overworked brain just forgets, forgets and keeps forgetting.
Today, at prayer meeting at school, i realised how much I need Him, especially in such a time as this, where i feel like i'm all alone, forsaken and forlorn.
Even though my body and soul and feet are weary, my heart praises the Lord for how much He's done for me in my first few weeks in ACS(I). My OGLs, my prayer group leaders, my classmates in 5.12 (the most amazing class in the whole world) both the guys and the girls who helped me through the difficult times i foresaw but never experienced because of them.
Thank you Lord, for sending them just when i was going to collapse, and thank you all for coming in at just the right time.
I love my school.
I love ACS(I).
I feel the spirit of the Most High God moving amongst us, stirring us from within and helping us move on when things get dificult.
Today, i felt a bout of depression kick in and i was nearly in tears because of it. The utter desperation of life, the solitude, the challenges seemed overwhelming. i'm not suicidal, but for a moment or so i felt life was a chore.
That moment passed with the help of my Lord, who sent friends over to cheer me, yay!!!!
Anyway, today something amazing happened...
At 4:40pm, ileft school completely forgetting the prayer meeting we were going to have this afternoon. My brain is a funny organ. It has the capacity to memorise the lam peng kwan text book but forgets minuscule bits of information like this. Anyway moving on, i waited at the bus stop. 3 bus 74s passed me by. Needless to say, I was extremely annoyed. Then someone asked me whether i'd been waiting there for long. Then realization stuck me flat on the face like a ten ton truck with a lot of heavy stuff it. I remembered the meeting and waded through the leviathan puddles that dotted the entire campus and reached the Air-Con room, soaked to the skin, even with my pretty pink umbrella. Amazingly though, i felt warm. I felt the Lord calming me down and leading me to Him, telling me the wonderful plans He has for me, leading me to the quiet place He has for me where only He and I exist, One yet separate, one steeped in sin and the Other, gently lifting the other out of it, despite the repeated back-sliding.
At the end of the session i realised my wallet was in my locker and without it, i would be worse than dead, unable to even board a bus, get inside the hostel, get my dinner, and get to my room.
Thankfully, i was able to get my wallet!
My Lord, what can i say about Him? He's just amazing and His Love endures forever!
I sin, I forget,
He's watching, He's sad,
He loves me, He saves me,
Even when i'm bad.
His Love is like a fountain,
His Mercy and Grace endure,
I look to Him for Shelter,
And for Forgiveness Pure.
I'm congealing from within.
I feel sick to the core.
I'm drifting away from my Lord.
I try and try and try.
I don't see an end to it.
I try so hard.
I need Him so much, yet i can't find time for Him.
Either sleep steals in and robs me of any chance of doing my quiet time with my Savior, or my overworked brain just forgets, forgets and keeps forgetting.
Today, at prayer meeting at school, i realised how much I need Him, especially in such a time as this, where i feel like i'm all alone, forsaken and forlorn.
Even though my body and soul and feet are weary, my heart praises the Lord for how much He's done for me in my first few weeks in ACS(I). My OGLs, my prayer group leaders, my classmates in 5.12 (the most amazing class in the whole world) both the guys and the girls who helped me through the difficult times i foresaw but never experienced because of them.
Thank you Lord, for sending them just when i was going to collapse, and thank you all for coming in at just the right time.
I love my school.
I love ACS(I).
I feel the spirit of the Most High God moving amongst us, stirring us from within and helping us move on when things get dificult.
Today, i felt a bout of depression kick in and i was nearly in tears because of it. The utter desperation of life, the solitude, the challenges seemed overwhelming. i'm not suicidal, but for a moment or so i felt life was a chore.
That moment passed with the help of my Lord, who sent friends over to cheer me, yay!!!!
Anyway, today something amazing happened...
At 4:40pm, ileft school completely forgetting the prayer meeting we were going to have this afternoon. My brain is a funny organ. It has the capacity to memorise the lam peng kwan text book but forgets minuscule bits of information like this. Anyway moving on, i waited at the bus stop. 3 bus 74s passed me by. Needless to say, I was extremely annoyed. Then someone asked me whether i'd been waiting there for long. Then realization stuck me flat on the face like a ten ton truck with a lot of heavy stuff it. I remembered the meeting and waded through the leviathan puddles that dotted the entire campus and reached the Air-Con room, soaked to the skin, even with my pretty pink umbrella. Amazingly though, i felt warm. I felt the Lord calming me down and leading me to Him, telling me the wonderful plans He has for me, leading me to the quiet place He has for me where only He and I exist, One yet separate, one steeped in sin and the Other, gently lifting the other out of it, despite the repeated back-sliding.
At the end of the session i realised my wallet was in my locker and without it, i would be worse than dead, unable to even board a bus, get inside the hostel, get my dinner, and get to my room.
Thankfully, i was able to get my wallet!
My Lord, what can i say about Him? He's just amazing and His Love endures forever!
I sin, I forget,
He's watching, He's sad,
He loves me, He saves me,
Even when i'm bad.
His Love is like a fountain,
His Mercy and Grace endure,
I look to Him for Shelter,
And for Forgiveness Pure.
Labels: 5.12, ACS(I), Christian Fellowship
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Hmmm...
It's definitely been a while since i blogged...
But i'm back =)
PAE results came in around a month ago...
Felt pretty suicidal then...
I don't get it...
I worked my darn ass off and did the best i could and got the best score there is and i still don't get my top choice...
Many would say, "Life's unfair,you gotta live with it cos that's the way things are."
I think my life is a miracle, even in the darkest of times.
I love where i am right now, amazingly great schoolmates, friends, teachers and most of all, my Heavenly Father keeping a close eye on me.
It is in times like these that one finds out how much more God cares about you than even overprotective parent.
Yeah, I've made bad and hasty decisions in my life, but now when I look back, God came in just in time to get me out of it, always caring for me, protecting me, even from the consequences of my own actions.
Moving on...
I'm gonna be going for SIMUN this year, i really truly hope i'll meet the RMUN ppl from last year.
RMUN 2006 was such an amazing experience, the friends i made there made more difference in my life than the people i saw 24/7. We stuck together, through thick and thin, O-Levels and prelims. Thanks guys and gals, you know who you are and i want you to know how much your friendship meant to me =)
i hope i'll meet the the old friends and make some anew =)
Until we meet again my unknown love, who eludes me even when a few feet apart, and still manages to break my heart.
Every day is a miracle,
Every hour I hear you say,
"Worry not child, be not afraid,
For I'll show you the way"
It's definitely been a while since i blogged...
But i'm back =)
PAE results came in around a month ago...
Felt pretty suicidal then...
I don't get it...
I worked my darn ass off and did the best i could and got the best score there is and i still don't get my top choice...
Many would say, "Life's unfair,you gotta live with it cos that's the way things are."
I think my life is a miracle, even in the darkest of times.
I love where i am right now, amazingly great schoolmates, friends, teachers and most of all, my Heavenly Father keeping a close eye on me.
It is in times like these that one finds out how much more God cares about you than even overprotective parent.
Yeah, I've made bad and hasty decisions in my life, but now when I look back, God came in just in time to get me out of it, always caring for me, protecting me, even from the consequences of my own actions.
Moving on...
I'm gonna be going for SIMUN this year, i really truly hope i'll meet the RMUN ppl from last year.
RMUN 2006 was such an amazing experience, the friends i made there made more difference in my life than the people i saw 24/7. We stuck together, through thick and thin, O-Levels and prelims. Thanks guys and gals, you know who you are and i want you to know how much your friendship meant to me =)
i hope i'll meet the the old friends and make some anew =)
Until we meet again my unknown love, who eludes me even when a few feet apart, and still manages to break my heart.
Every day is a miracle,
Every hour I hear you say,
"Worry not child, be not afraid,
For I'll show you the way"
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Friday, November 17, 2006
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Friday, November 17, 2006
Thursday, November 16, 2006
IT'S OVER
oh yeah the o's are finally over
thank you Lord for bringing me through it all!!!!!
oh yeah the o's are finally over
thank you Lord for bringing me through it all!!!!!
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Oh My Gosh!
I still do NOT believe it!
I got all 8A1s in my prelims (and i do 8 subjects cos i don't do any language other than English)
I am Blissfully Happy!!!!!
I Love You so Much Lord!!!!!!!!
Thank You for getting me through!
Everyday I walk with You,
On Your promises I stand,
And here I stay, Beloved Saviour,
Warm and safe in Your Hand.
I still do NOT believe it!
I got all 8A1s in my prelims (and i do 8 subjects cos i don't do any language other than English)
I am Blissfully Happy!!!!!
I Love You so Much Lord!!!!!!!!
Thank You for getting me through!
Everyday I walk with You,
On Your promises I stand,
And here I stay, Beloved Saviour,
Warm and safe in Your Hand.
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Friday, September 29, 2006
Little Ironies of Life
As i sit here typing this and sipping a cuppa, a realised how stupidly ironical life could get. Now i see the point in Douglas Adams and authors of his kind. Some times life gets ironical enough to kill. Oh, well, there isn't anything i can do about it is there?
ANYWAY...
I got back 5 of my prelim papers back this week. A1s in all! All thanks to God, without whom, even passing is impossible.
It's amazing how one can despair all they want about life's stupid irony and then a single thought about God and the absolutely amazing plan he has for all of us can change one's outlooks of life - completely.
Euphoria does not describe how being close to God is like. Words cannot describle what the love of God is like. Never-ending, marvellous, undeserving, all-encompassing, inexplicable, glorious - all fall short of describing God's magnificent love on his beloved children. As the english language spreads, being one of the most actively growing languages, our vocabulary is still pitifully limited when we are up to the task of describing the Creator's love for us.
Today, as we got ou geography papers back, my prayer was short and fervent, and needless to say, selfish - pleas, Lord, please let me get an A1 for geography. It's at times like this that God puts His loving hands on my head and says, "Child, I already promised you something, don't you trust in Me?"
And His promises endured.
They endure, yesterday, today and forevermore.
Praise to My Loving Father, whose promises endure forever, no matter hwat happens.
At Heaven's door He waits for me,
I wonder what He sees in me?
I've been bad, mean and rude, from the start,
But Jesus, my Lord, He knows my heart.
As i sit here typing this and sipping a cuppa, a realised how stupidly ironical life could get. Now i see the point in Douglas Adams and authors of his kind. Some times life gets ironical enough to kill. Oh, well, there isn't anything i can do about it is there?
ANYWAY...
I got back 5 of my prelim papers back this week. A1s in all! All thanks to God, without whom, even passing is impossible.
It's amazing how one can despair all they want about life's stupid irony and then a single thought about God and the absolutely amazing plan he has for all of us can change one's outlooks of life - completely.
Euphoria does not describe how being close to God is like. Words cannot describle what the love of God is like. Never-ending, marvellous, undeserving, all-encompassing, inexplicable, glorious - all fall short of describing God's magnificent love on his beloved children. As the english language spreads, being one of the most actively growing languages, our vocabulary is still pitifully limited when we are up to the task of describing the Creator's love for us.
Today, as we got ou geography papers back, my prayer was short and fervent, and needless to say, selfish - pleas, Lord, please let me get an A1 for geography. It's at times like this that God puts His loving hands on my head and says, "Child, I already promised you something, don't you trust in Me?"
And His promises endured.
They endure, yesterday, today and forevermore.
Praise to My Loving Father, whose promises endure forever, no matter hwat happens.
At Heaven's door He waits for me,
I wonder what He sees in me?
I've been bad, mean and rude, from the start,
But Jesus, my Lord, He knows my heart.
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Friday, September 29, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
I went shopping today
Guess what's on my shopping list?
Here it is:
1) Shampoo
2) Milo 3 in 1 Packets
3) Some weird juice
4) Japanese seaweed
If you haven't noticed by now, this isn't an ordinary teenager's shopping list. It is in fact, the shopping list of a person left to fend for herself in a cold and bleak place far away from home, far away from her parents and loved ones, far away from her heart. When I go around picking the mundane groceries, I realise that my class mates are probably haing out at LV or some other shockingly expensive place. then i remember the fun i had with my family when we went grocery shopping, the completely carefree time where i enjoyed picking the most absurd cereal flavors that still make my brother wince. I realise, I'm neither part of this world nor that. I can never dream of blowing hundreds of dollars on an over-priced bag.
And yet grocery shopping goes on at home, pretty well I'm sure, without me.
And there i go, drowning in self pity again...
Melancholic laughter is the only fitting thing at this point of time.
I wonder if anybody sees the pain in my eyes as i type this.
I wonder if anybody sees past this happy and bubbly facade into the sad and lonely girl inside.
I wonder if anybody even cares.
Angry welts spring up within me,
Disappointment haunts my soul,
Everything my heart has ever wished for,
Suddenly seems to have a hole.
Guess what's on my shopping list?
Here it is:
1) Shampoo
2) Milo 3 in 1 Packets
3) Some weird juice
4) Japanese seaweed
If you haven't noticed by now, this isn't an ordinary teenager's shopping list. It is in fact, the shopping list of a person left to fend for herself in a cold and bleak place far away from home, far away from her parents and loved ones, far away from her heart. When I go around picking the mundane groceries, I realise that my class mates are probably haing out at LV or some other shockingly expensive place. then i remember the fun i had with my family when we went grocery shopping, the completely carefree time where i enjoyed picking the most absurd cereal flavors that still make my brother wince. I realise, I'm neither part of this world nor that. I can never dream of blowing hundreds of dollars on an over-priced bag.
And yet grocery shopping goes on at home, pretty well I'm sure, without me.
And there i go, drowning in self pity again...
Melancholic laughter is the only fitting thing at this point of time.
I wonder if anybody sees the pain in my eyes as i type this.
I wonder if anybody sees past this happy and bubbly facade into the sad and lonely girl inside.
I wonder if anybody even cares.
Angry welts spring up within me,
Disappointment haunts my soul,
Everything my heart has ever wished for,
Suddenly seems to have a hole.
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
There's something tearing me apart
Yep, and that's not even metaphorical.
Something deep withing me is ripping me, shred by shred, particle by particle exposing internal cysts that were long forgotten, wounds that had seemingly healed reappear, foul and congealed.
Am i grossing you out?
But its true.
And here's the worst part.
I don't know why.
I'm bleeding from the inside.
And nobody cares to look.
I'm hurting from within.
But I'm buried in my book.
Yep, and that's not even metaphorical.
Something deep withing me is ripping me, shred by shred, particle by particle exposing internal cysts that were long forgotten, wounds that had seemingly healed reappear, foul and congealed.
Am i grossing you out?
But its true.
And here's the worst part.
I don't know why.
I'm bleeding from the inside.
And nobody cares to look.
I'm hurting from within.
But I'm buried in my book.
[x] i'm still waiting for you
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
I'm standing on the bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound
Isn't anyone tryinâ to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you
i'm slipping off the edge
i'm hanging by a thread
i wanna start this over again.
Evelyn
ACS(I)
Loves Jesus
Hates Sin
Loves Her Buddies
Loves Singing for the Lord
Is Very Pseudo-Bimbo (just because she loves pink)
Usually gets depressed when all alone
When you have more ice-cream than you can finish
email her at evelynthangaraj@hotmail.com
Member of Chocoholics Anonymous
Loves French, c'est tres amusant!
someday we'll go dancing on the moon